Lately, I've been thinking and remembering. Remembering the songs God has sung with me in my past...and the goodness that he has extended to me. There are many things I can look back on with fondness...such as the first night I abandoned myself to him and began to run and spin around in an open field under the stars. The first day that my happiness turned into song and I learned to express my bliss in words never spoken before, be they English or some other language. These things have now become such an intimate part of my relationship with my creator that I can't imagine knowing him apart from the gifts of song, joy, and esp. poetry.
poetry is a part of me, a facet of my life and an outlet for my joy and emotions...each time I write I can feel the creative energies creating something else unique...something is caught up within me and I am with God. In fact some of my poems have been written when i was so drunk in the holy spirit that I can still remember my mood. Ecstatic exuberance...frenetic typing. Sometimes I would be so excited and full of God that I would close my eyes and just type, following every thought, and wave of joy and love that drifted me from place to place. Because of this, I frequently list poetry as something, that at least for me, is very closely akin to an expression of the Holy Spirit. The first week when I really learned that I had this gift inside of me, was one of the best weeks of my life. I had taken a single semester of poetry class maybe 2 years earlier...and being me...I got bored with all the analysis. I felt like I was dissecting people's lives, and as a result being in poetry class did little to start me writing. It wasn't until God exploded in my life that I began writing for myself. Not to fit a format or try something I had seen...but...to just...write. You know...for the heck of writing...because I felt such wonderful feelings that they needed to be put on paper. Never have I written like I did that first week, in such sheer volume. In the space of a single week...I spent almost every night up until 2:00 in the morning walking, singing, talking to God, and writing poetry. I produced about 15 pages of poetry that week...and then left for college. It was a special time. Then, one month later, about this time actually, at the beginning of september I had another week where I composed poetry every day...each time it produced poems that still catch me up when i read them. And I can remember, and feel again, the emotions that I felt when i wrote them. When I read Bracie's invitation to join poetry square, I thought about it and realized that I really, really wanted to join. There are maybe, only 2 or 3 peoply in the world right now that know over 5-10% of my poetry, and every time I have thought I might share it with teachers or with groups that publish such things, God has stopped me. I have no idea why, but I feel in my heart that this may be my first chance to really share anything with a larger group. I thought picking the poem to post was going to be excruciatingly hard, because I have written about 70 pages of it...but I had forgotten something about my poetry folder. In the midst of all those pages and pages of myself lies a picture of my life. Every time I start to read it again, I realize how beautiful God is, and it inspires me again and again. I opened the folder...scrolled through a little ditty I wrote about a vocabulary contest...and came to the first real poem I ever wrote...and realized that it was the one I wanted to post. It may not be my best. Really, I dont' even care, but it gives a picture of me...my struggles to love and handle my gifts of empathy...which can be quite excruciating at times. The best way to show myself is to show where I came from and what God has done...and this first poem that I wrote embodies that, maybe better than all 65 pages that follow it. To anyone who is interested:
give it up for "Song of Empathy," which rightly could be called the poem of my spiritual birth...it embodies something I discovered about myself and the answer God gave...it almost reminds me of a Church of Christ hymn:
Song of Empathy:
Spring from my heart O love of God
Never stem the flowing stream
You love it races--'gainst the fog
and in my heart it gently gleams
You call my heart--O lovely Lord
And draw me to your grace
But wand'ring hearts and fickle souls
--they leave me in disgrace
My heart and soul feel fire Lord
And empathy brings pain
What once was gift--now it is rift
as spirit--Lord--takes blame
Smold'ring in my heart Lord
The world's disgrace sinks in
My heart once open with your love
Now it is steeped in sin
A sin so vast--a seamless mass
A void so dark and grim
That light of day--turns into gray
And fills me to the brim
Your gift O Lord--YOUR precious gift
Has given me with this pain
My heart it groans within my soul
And who can take the blame?
But then in desperation rise
A light within the sky
Of red and blue and violet hue
A rainbow up on high
The colors sparkle--shifting lights
Upon a sea of gold
A swirl and burst of brightness leaves
A joy within my soul
The brightness swirls--my body twirls
Aloft within the air
And laughter echoes in my mind
And leaves me void of care
Your love O Lord--salubrious
a sea of molten gold
And floating in that blissful place
I finally found home
And in a night of glittering lights
My soul was bound to thee
Not through my faith--but by your grace
A chain of love between
And as the lights--they fade away
a gently whisp'ring hum
An afterimage rests within
a picture of your son
What once was green--what once was home
What once was colored--gay and warm
What once was life and breath yet smoke
That now is gone--'tis only hope
My heart--it longed to cleave to you
And love it gently spoke
My fears awash in holy love
My heart has found its hope
What once was mind it now is heart
I solemnly intone
Upon my honor, hope, and soul
I'll find your holy throne
You write your laughter on my lips
My God YOU are my muse
My eyes they glow with your eclipse
My mind is but a ruse
I will no longer run and hide
From feeling others' pain
my God you've shown me how dear Lord
My heart is not to blame
I once was lost upon a sea
Of vastness great--and darkness keen
But now I've found the key dear Lord
Your love a chain to urge me forward
My optimism--once a joy
then fell to empathy
But heart and soul once bound by pain
Has swallowed your reprieve
The only way to find your heart
Was through your holy love
I could not find the answer true
'til joy fell from above
My heart that grieves for world and sin
Has found its blissful rest
The answer is: to channel love
And leave it on God's breast...
Dan Midgett, composed: 7/31/08
