So, after commenting on Bethany's blog to delay reading my Physics II book, I decided that I just "had" to go back and read the blog entry that Bethany had called "hilarious," I mean, I was a winner there right? A helpful hint to Bethany: If I win said "hilarity-award" again, instead of putting a bunch of little phrases on it you can just take any paragraph from Sense and Sensibility and post it instead...I prefer the witty, Victorian style of humor to a bunch of "hahaha's." But other than that I am quite pleased with my little beauty...I will promptly download it to my pictures folder and label it: "What I do when I have to read Physics and I don't feel like it..." On second thought I'll label it: "What I do when I have to read Physics and I don't feel like it" because the name wouldn't accept an ellipsis. Excuse my while I keep my word...
All right! I'm back! Yes! And now my wittiness is immortalized forever and my award set to rotate through a slideshow on my desktop and show itself approx. every 5 minutes. "thank you...thank you..." *gesticulates wildly while doing a Chinese bow*
ahem. In answer to your comment about me not being funny enough, Bethany...I'd have to say that I hate forcing things. I'd rather make this blog depressing and serious if you don't mind, because: if I don't want to amuse you, but you force me to try anyway I might turn out to be a manic-depressive and commit suicide because you intimated that I was a failure...and then I might leave a note explaining how you had indirectly killed me and everyone I knew would start hating you and try to kill you for it...and a terrible vendetta would ensue and then your life would be ruined. And even if you apologized it wouldn't work because I would be dead...
...so that's why!
There is one sure-fire way to cheer me up though. All you have to do is walk past me while I'm minding my own business and speak really loudly to the friend you're with about all of your relationship troubles and how you just broke up with your boyfriend the day after your anniversary... Instantly my troubles will be gone! and I will laugh at you all day and probably the next day while I'm writing my blog entry. I just love it when that happens. :) I'm not taking pleasure in your suffering, but I just find it really funny when girls do that...it's like if I'm not in the conversation then I can't possibly hear it...which isn't true. If you speak as loudly as the two girls who did it last night did, then I could probably be listening to music and still hear it. But of course we all love girls, even when they expose their very obvious quirks.
Girl Quirks: (warning, if you are offended by this then I wasn't talking about you...if you think I'm exaggerating then you are right...but I take comfort in the fact that no matter what I say, it will probably be true somewhere at some time in the universe.)
1. If I'm not looking at you then you can't hear anything I'm saying
2. If I say I'm "fine" then that means I'm manically depressed
If I say I'm "bad" then I'm not really, I just want you to listen attentively to me for a while, and making up a problem was the easiest way...
3. If I'm looking at you for more than 2 seconds and we're not having a conversation, then obviously the guy behind you is really cute :)
4. When we're in the dining hall and you put a lot of food on your plate...then I will prob. have only a glass of juice or a small salad. I'm not anorexic I just want you to feel bad about what you're eating.
5. If you ask me for advice on girls my answer will be: "I don't know..." or "I hate girls." We have a hidden conspiracy to keep all of you in the dark.
6. I invent questions like "does this dress make me look fat?" because I like to see you squirm in situations where there is no right answer.
7. If you compliment me, then I have to insult myself and not believe you...I feel guilty about feeling good about myself.
8. men have wronged us long enough! I want equal rights! But if you treat me like you do your guy friends then I'll be offended. I demand special attention as well, to boost my self-esteem.
9. If you say anything that can possibly be construed as demeaning I will assume you meant it that way and be mad at you. But if you insult me quite openly then I'm fine with it--you couldn't have possibly meant it. ;)
10. If I'm mad at you then you are a jerk if you don't try to make me feel better, but if you try to talk to me I won't let you.
11. If I realize that you are breaking up with me, I have an intrinsic need to be the rejector and will interrupt you and break up with you first. That way I look better when I tell my friends what a jerk of a boyfriend you were.
12. If you are being serious I will try my hardest to be a blonde, because I think it makes me look cuter. If you aren't serious I will become seriously offended that you aren't paying attention to me.
13. Sometimes I wake up and decide that I will have a terrible day...I always get more attention when I do.
14. There is a set time I can be a close friend to you. Eventually I will decide that you couldn't possibly be paying that much attention to me without liking me and will either stop talking to you or try to get us to start dating.
15. You don't really have a life when you're not around me. If we're dating I will assume that there is nothing important that you have to do and will be incredibly offended if you don't go everywhere I want to go.
16. I know I don't need all the things I get when we shop...I only do it because it annoys you. ;)
17. Marketing for females is easy. If there is a different color of something I already have I forget that I have it and need another one.
18. If I use the same smile for more than 2 seconds than you're really boring me and I'm just trying to be polite. It's against girl rules to ever let you know though...I'll just avoid you afterward.
adieu!
~Danzibar
